Three-Minute Rule.

Gasping. I am laying gasping for air, like Edna did before me. It seems our fate was sealed the moment we flew too far to the sun, as it were. I would say my life is flashing before my eyes, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I am simply trying to get air into my famished, tiny, glistening lungs. It’s all I can think about. My eyes are probably bulging out. Everything is crystalized and funneled into whatever is directly near my vision. My beautiful golden body is shaking.

It isn’t my fault. It was that wretched cat Petunia! Such a ridiculously cutesy name for such a monstrous creature. I tried to avoid her with swift swerves, deftly missing those maniacal claws. My idiot human thought putting my bowl up on a shelf near the plants Petunia doesn’t like would save me from sad Edna’s fate. But Petunia, with her giant glowing eyes and razor teeth could not resist. Her stupid striped face kept getting closer. I could see her making her way towards my home and even jumped out, splashing hopelessly in an attempt to alert someone of the non-feline persuasion to save me and get that goddamned insipid beast away from me. Who in the glorious hell keeps cats and fish together?! Humans are the ones with the ‘goldfish brains’, if you ask me. Everything escapes them within mere minutes of being told. They think of nothing but their own pleasure and amusement! Anything inconvenient (like the fact that the animals they keep in close quarters happen to eat each other) seems to fly like feathers out of their brain. (Or like I did out of my bowl.) And now I am clearly finished.

I cannot stop shuddering. The crash of my bowl starteled that stupid cat, as did the water that got all over her mangy orange fur. So I am gasping with no thought to my name (which is Lawrence, by the way, in case you were wondering) while that furry demon runs away scared from her own selfish, predatory needs. Cats are psychopaths with claws.

I am beginning to give up. The shuddering is harder now. My small shimmering body is fighting the inevitable. I can feel the cool water still underneath me in a tiny pool. Ironic that I would die while still in water and yet out of it. I am Schrodinger’s Fish. The darkness is coming…

…”Oh my God! Did that goddamned cat do this? Oh Larry, hold on! Here, stay in here until we can fill your bowl. Hang in there buddy! I’m going to kill Jenna for letting that cat in here again.”

*Plink*

WHOOSH.

I…I can breathe again! I have been returned to the water, though it feels very cold and smells something awful. Eyes are slowly readjusting, my lungs still burning from my brush with the end. Trying to readjust. The walls are porcelain…

Am I…am I in the toilet?! I have seen this shiny, lurid throne from the corner of my eye many times. One of the idiotic humans who dwells here never closes the door and I am regularly treated to a spectacular shitshow. The stinging scent of urine is wafting into my poor nostrils. I am starting to think it would have been better to have perished. This is beyond indignanation. I love opera, for God’s sake! Did you know goldfish like opera? Clearly I do NOT belong in this human litter box.

“Ok Lar, come on let’s get you back in your home! I’ll put you in the study, Petunia isn’t allowed in there.”

Oh, I know I’ve heard that before. If Goldfish were capable of giving side-eye, mine would be cutting across the wall, the shade would be so deep. Alas, furiously blinking is all I am able to do. As usual, the human notices nothing. Oh look, he scooped me up in a cup, how thoughtful! Hopefully he doesn’t piss in that too.

*Plop*

Ahhh, home. I feel comforted by my little abode. The study is a bit dark but, at least I no longer see that dreadful toothy, flower-named bitch…

Oh hello! My name is Lawrence. This is my home. Have we met before? Come have a look around. I have a little cave I like to hide in. Ignore the plastic palm tree, that kitschy thing was certainly not my idea! I think it was Edna’s. Have I mentioned Edna? Lovely lady, if not a little low-brow. Such a shame what happened.

Have we met before? My name is Lawrence…